David Sanchez, LPC, LCAS, CSAT, EMDR Therapist
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist in Charlotte, NC
I see many men coming to my office wondering, “what’s the big deal about watching porn?” Simply put, most of their significant others do not appreciate that they are fantasizing and watching other women have sex, even if its not a live video. Most of the girlfriends and wives that call me about their significant other’s porn and/or sex cam watching tell me that they feel utterly betrayed. They say things like it is still cheating to them and what is wrong with them that their significant other has to look at other women.
Men the truth is that many women would almost rather you be gambling away money, binge drinking on weekends, and even using marijuana more than looking at porn and other digital sexual media. It is more personal when you are looking at another women. The men I see tell me honestly that they have struggled with it for years and do not know how to stop, or that they feel rejected by their significant others and look at porn as their is no rejection. This may make logical sense at the time, however; the aftermath is usually not worth using the porn outlet.
A healthier and more successful way of handling this is to tell your partner what your needs are not just sexually but regarding how you feel close to your partner. Many of the men I work with, never saw this growing up in there homes, or simply do not know how to do this. There is no shame in this, we all have our strengths and it takes a lot of courage to admit to someone else that you need help, but this is usually want helps the relationship improve.
I suggest that if a man or woman may have a problem with sex and/or pornography to take this free screening first. It is very important to be honest when taking this screening called the SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test). You can find this screening at www.recoveryzone.com. After taking this screening, if you score a “5” or higher it is a good idea to speak to a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist to be assessed further and to work on a treatment plan on how to overcome this problem. It is also very helpful for the significant other to come during that visit or during a second visit to receive more history and also for that individual to receive the resources he or she will need. It is often important for both the person with the sexual problem and the partner to both receive individual counseling as the partner is generally feeling depression, anxiety, anger and betrayal trauma and needs a safe place to receive support and guidance.
Pornography is not always the problem, but the relationship that someone has with pornography that causes issues either with their health, with their loved ones, with work, and with giving up friends and hobbies will determine if someone needs help with this. The good news is there is hope. A certified sexual addiction therapist has the extensive training and understanding to help both the addicted individual and the family. Start today by calling me at 980-263-9608 or you can email me at admin@charlottecounselors.com.